Below are a few thoughts and predictions for the upcoming Bundesliga season. The clubs are reviewed in the order of their 2006-07 standing.
VfB Stuttgart Last season: Champions Prediction: Top 5 Stuttgart was a surprise last season, and deserved the title, as they proved to be the only club able to grind out the points when they needed. Once again, the defense should be solid. Mexicans Ricardo Osorio and DM Pavel Pardo were outstanding last season, and as long as they can get scoring from Cacau and Mario Gomez, they should be OK. However, a title defense is unlikely. They basically spent no money in the offseason, getting several players back from loans. Although they lost GK Timo Hildebrand (Valencia) and perhaps Marco Streller, they did pick up playmaker Yildiray Bastürk from Hertha - potentially a very good find. FC Schalke 04 Last season: Runner up Prediction: Top 5 or lame ass mediocrity Schalke likes to call themselves “Meister der Herzen” (Champions of the heart)”, but I suspect that will become “Meister des Schmerzen” (Champs of Pain) or maybe "Meister der Scherzen" (Champs of jokes). There is just too much crap dead-weight on this club. Lots of talent? Yes, but only Schalke fans think they can seriously put it together and make another title run. And if they do, they’ll choke anyway. Playermaker Lincoln kept on getting his ass tossed last season, so that covered up his stunning drop in form from what had been one of the Bundesliga’s best players. And certainly, many are probably happy that the club sold him to Galatasary for 5 million. But on the other hand, they got some nobody (Rakitic) from Switzerland as a replacement, so that doesn’t bode well. Who’s going to be the playmaker? Is there anyone on the roster that has a clue? And who partners the “feast-or-famine” Kevin Kuranyi up front? Gerald Asamoah? Please. I suppose if you needed a photographer taken out with an errant shot. I guess it’s Halil Altintop, as he proved a couple of seasons ago with K-town that he could be a stud, although he was invisible when it counted last year. So if they get off to a good start, maybe a top 5. But they have a decent chance of sucking and even falling into a relegation battle!! Werder Bremen Last season: 3rd Prediction: Top 5, outside title shot Bremen was brilliant in attack at times last season, and that was with a crap Miro Klose. But they were way too inconsistent, and this figures to be more of the same. They sold off the weasel Klose to Bayern, which was probably a good deal, as he would have just whined and moped all season. But now their attack looks suspicious, as only vet Ivan Klasnic is a proven scorer. Initially Werder was only bringing up youngsters as replacements, but the recently splashed some 8 million for Corinthians midfielder Carlos Alberto. If he can combine with last season’s brilliant playmaker Diego, Werder could grab the title. The midfield looks solid, and giant Per Mertesacker looks a tower in defense. FC Bayern München Last season: 4th Prediction: Champion After last season’s debacle, Bayern opened the checkbook. They spent some 40 million NET, and remember they got 25 million just for Owen Hargreaves, so that’s a lot. And overall, they did clean house as longtimers Salihamidzic and Pizarro left on frees. Whether they spent totally wisely is questionable, but they looked to have gotten a lot of quality, and if only half the guys pan out, they’ve got themselves a pretty nice team. The jewel in the crown is French World Cup star Franck Ribery, a surprise move. It’s pretty obvious that Schweinsteiger is a workhorse, but has no clue, so they need someone who can think on his feet. I believe they wasted money getting both Luca Toni and Miro Klose, and with Schlaudraff joining and Podolski on the bench, they’ve got too many forwards. What they should have done is just saved their money and kept Roy Makaay. Klose might pan out or disappear, and Italians almost always suck in the Bundesliga. But VP Karl-Heinz Rummenigge wanted to dump Makaay's ass as Roy was getting too close to Rummenigge’s position as no.2 all-time leading Bayern scorer. Altintop on a free looks a good buy, and Bayern's infatuation with young South Americans (now Sosa from Estudiantes, a good looking player) continues. Marcel Jansen moves into a starting role in defense. If manager Ottmar Hitzfeld can make this squad gel, there is no one that can stop them. Bayer Leverkusen Last season: 5th Prediction: mid-table, possibly UEFA. It’s hard to fathom. They spent some money, a net 8 million, but mostly on mediocre players. And when you consider that they lost a lot of their team (Butt, Juan, Roque Junior, Athirson, Voronin, Babic) mostly for peanuts, they sould be a lot weaker. Yeah, they got top Bundesliga scorer Theofanis Gekas from Bochum, but he’ll probably suck. That’s the tradition of these guys when they leave Bochum. Of course, Bayer has a history of getting something out of nothing, so they could sneak into the UEFA Cup, as the sum is usually greater than the individual parts. 1. FC Nürnberg Last season: 6th, Cup Winners Prediction: mid-table or relegation battle Der Club was one of the feel good stories last season, but this year it may look like one of those “Final Destination” sequels. Basically, it’s a team of nobodies, and they’ll need either Robert Vittek or Marek Mintal to have another career year. (They've each had one in the past, so maybe that's it.) Otherwise, I could easily see them going into the crapper. Hamburger SV Last season: 7th Prediction: UEFA Cup HSV was last season’s laughing stock, as they sucked like in the good old days of the early 1970s. But they finally put it together, and finished respectable. Obviously, they have one of the best players in Germany, playmaker Rafael van der Vaart, but if you touch him, he’ll be out injured for 3 months. In the offseason, they dumped a bunch of dead weight, and the only notable newcomer is Mohamad Zidan, a goal scoring hero at Mainz last season. But if he’s like other HSV forward purchases in the past, look for something like the number “3” in the “Goals scored” column at the end of the season. In other words, who is going to step up and score some goals for this team? However, the defense looks good enough and midfield, if van der Vaart stays healthy is also good. So if they can get enough goals, a UEFA Cup is realistic. VfL Bochum Last season: 8th Prediction: relegation battle Greek forward Theofanis Gekas carried this team last year, and was the league’s top scorer. So subtract his 20 strikes, and you’ve got relegation fodder. They brought in 13 new players, and still MADE money in the transfer market. If they stay up, it’s only because there are crappier teams. Borussia Dortmund Last season: 9th Prediction: Top 5 They sucked last year, but I get the feeling that Dortmund could be on the way back. They seem to have a lot of young talent (indeed players like Sahin and Pienaar are being loaned out) and they’ve brought in some veterans like Argie forward Diego Klimowicz and defender Robert Kovac to fill immediate short term needs. And overrated Christoph Metzelder is gone. If it works, I can actually see them sneaking into a Champions League spot! The main problem is that the midfield looks worthless, so maybe they’ll have to revert to long ball. Hertha BSC Berlin Last season: 10th Prediction: mid-table Berlin was last season’s most boring team. Unfortunately their application to move to Italy was denied, so they will undoubtedly torture long suffering Berlin fans once again. They lost their only decent player (Basturk) on a free. In fact, their boringness translates to the transfer market. They lost 10 players and got 0 euros. They signed a bunch of nobodies that need to look at the back of their jersey to know their names. So once again, they’ll have to hope that Marko Pantelic bags his goals, and their boringness puts the other team to sleep, and they’ll be OK in mid-table mediocrity. Hannover 96 Last season: 11th Prediction: mid-table OK, Hannover is an intriguing team. Yeah, I know, the words “Hannover” and “suck” are usually to be found in the same sentence. And can you take seriously a team that goes out and signs Mike Hanke and Benny Lout? (oh, sorry, “Lauth”). On the other hand, they lost nobody from last year, except Michael Tarnat and Richard Golz, who discovered they could collect social security pensions. Plus, they have a great fighting spirit, so they should be able to mug enough points to stay up. Arminia Bielefeld Last season: 12th Prediction: Bottom 5 A bunch of nobodies that believes in the collective. They’ll have to hope that Wichniarek and Zuma slap in enough goals to keep them up, otherwise relegation is a realistic “ambition”. Energie Cottbus Last season: 13th Prediction: Bottom 5 In a stunning development, the DFB announced a new experimental program where a team can automatically be relegated down to the Regionalliga if they’re from Cottbus... They have no money, and even though they’re full of discount bin players, they actually made money in the transfer market. It really seems the only way they can stay up is if once again their hooligan fans intimidate the opposition. Too be fair, you don’t have to come from Eastern Europe to play for Cottbus. You can come from China or Africa too. In fact, as long as you can prove you don’t speak German, you can get a contract, but you have to sneak yourself across the border. Still, they're fighters and probably not as crap as Rostock... Eintracht Frankfurt Last season: 14th Prediction: maybe mid-table, but Bottom 5 realistic too Frankfurt goes into the new season with basically the same club as last. So the question becomes which team is going to show up. They showed last year that they were capable of fine play, but they don’t seem consistent enough. The talent isn't too bad, but you can be guaranteed that they'll have a big "sucking wind" streak... VfL Wolfsburg Last season: 15th Prediction: mid-table The VWs barely escaped with their ass last season, and there was a major blood-letting afterwards. Many stalwarts, like Diego Klimowicz, Sarpei, Hofland and Karhan are gone. Worthless ones like Mike Hanke sold off, and they got some nice change for absent on loan D’Alessandro. They spent all the income, attracting Cottbus saviours, the Romanians Radu and Munteanu, along with Porto’s Ricardo Costa. There seems to be enough quality to get a lower mid-table spot, although they could of course struggle again. Karlsruher SC Last season: 2.Liga Prediction: relegation A brilliant 2.Liga campaign, but reality needs to set in. They spent almost nothing, and lost perhaps last year’s best player, Geovanni Federico to Dortmund. A young fighting squad, but surely they get relegated?! Hansa Rostock Last season: 2.Liga Prediction: relegation How can you predict anything else? None of their players look Bundesliga quality, and they didn’t strengthen their team. Good fans, but the squad would be a good successor to the legendary "Where's the Beef?!" ad campaign. MSV Duisburg Last season: 2.Liga Prediction: Bottom 5 OK, you figure one newcomer has to survive, so by flipping a coin, maybe the Zebras come up. Their squad is older than the other two promoted teams, and they spent a wee bit of cash (1.5 million), or at least more than the others combined. And several players have Bundesliga experience. The most interesting players are probably Moroccan MF Youssef Mokhtari and forward Klemen Lavric. But all eyes will be on none other than Fatboy Ailton, the former Bundesliga goal scoring wiz. Despite his all lard diet, if Fatboy can score a few, maybe that will be enough to keep them up. OK, Here's my crap prediction: 1. Bayern 2. Werder 3. Stuttgart 4. Hamburg 5. Dortmund 6. Luserkusen 7. Schalke 8. Hertha 9. Nurnberg 10. Hannover 11. Wolfsburg 12. Frankfurt 13. Duisburg 14. Bielefeld 15. Bochum 16. Karlsruhe 17. Cottbus 18. Rostock